Saturday, May 1, 2010

Last Line Blogfest

When Lilah Pierce proposed this blogfest, I took all of two minutes to decide "why not?"

Finding a suitable excerpt proved more difficult. After reading through several manuscripts (not without cringing), I decided on a YA about a young girl trapped in a cursed village where time stopped. The following is the end of a scene.

Kit looked back and saw, to her consternation, children flocking around the sedan and trailer. They reached in through the window and pulled on the steering wheel, pushed on tires, pressed dirty hands and shiny noses against the windshield and door windows, and smeared greasy fingerprints on headlights and taillights.

"Hey!" Kit shouted. "Leave that alone!"

The children, abashed, scampered away.

"My apologies." Jonathan Arden smiled at her. "They are merely curious as to your strange mode of transportation."

Had she heard right? "You don't have cars?"

The smile turned patronizing. "We are simple folk. Where we cannot walk, we use horses or buggies."

"Are you Amish?"

Jonathan Arden put his hands on his hips, leaned back, and laughed. "Heavens no, child! But enough of this." He gestured toward the inn. "I believe your mother is waiting for you."

Kit turned and saw Mother waving to her from the steps of the White Pine Inn and Tavern. She ran toward the building, soles thudding against hard earth. She didn't notice Jonathan Arden no longer smiled. Instead, brow furrowed and mouth set in a frown, he watched Julie and Kit walk into the public house.

"So it continues," he remarked, shaking his head. "Our nightmare hasn't ended."


stu said...

I like the idea, though I think perhaps the speech tag in the last line takes away a little of the impact from what is obviously meant to be an important moment.

sarahjayne smythe said...

Great last line. Makes me want to know what the nightmare is.

Kristie Cook said...

Yep, I'm interested, too. Nice job.

bryan sabol said...

Interesting. I'd definitely read on.

Dawn Embers said...

That is nice. I almost prefer the "so it continues" part than the very ending, but overall it's a good ending paragraph. Something about "so it continues" feels more ominous to me, or something.

I know how you feel about the blogfest. It didn't take me long to join cause I thought it was a great idea. Choosing something good enough to post, on the other hand, took way too long.

Nice work.

Sylvia said...

What a neat idea. I saw your twitter post about it and went to have a look.

I like this scene ending, definitely would have me turning the page!

Eric W. Trant said...

Ahh... a cool scene to dip into. Just my style, mi amiga, just my style.

Note the transition in dialogue between her and the guy. Nice touch.

- Eric

Roland D. Yeomans said...

You drew me in, aroused my curiosity, and made me concerned for Kit with that last line. You did an excellent ending. Bravo, Roland

* said...

"Are you Amish?"

Well done! I love that line. I've been wanting to write something Amish-ish into an essay or book for awhile now.

Anonymous said...

It was a good ending, but I think it would have been better had you put the "so it continues" part as the very last thing, and not had that "nightmare hasn't ended" part at all. Just a thought :) But thanks so much for participating!

PamelaTurner said...

Thanks, everyone, for the kind words.